


The act of living

by MirRot



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Character Death, Depressing, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, One Shot, Overthinking, Sad Ending, Suicide, author projecting onto character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25537906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirRot/pseuds/MirRot
Summary: Just a random person going through problems.(Yes, I don't know what I am doing.)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	The act of living

**Author's Note:**

> Em hi ┬┴┬┴┤(･_├┬┴┬┴  
> This probably isn't the best but I tried?  
> Please tell me if there is any mistakes in my grammar as I myself aren't fluent in English. 
> 
> I hope you have a nice day~

My bed is cold, my hands are freezing apparently having no knowledge of blood circulation. It feels exactly like a stormy winter night with shades of warmth coming from happy homes except I’m not inside. I’m the one outside with heavy numb feet and a body desperate for this warmth which is nowhere near my grasp. I shiver as the fabricated snow touches my cheek becoming water causing no effect on my already damp skin. It’s dark, my eyes aching, begging for sleep but it’s in vain. Considering these loud thoughts with no plan of going away, suppressing me, making it hard to breathe, telling me to just give up. It’s massive, so extremely forceful, overwhelming but still so quiet. I’m lonely drowning in life, a life I don’t want. 

I snuggling into the embrace, reaching from the warmth of my two blankets. Curling up my legs and hugging them with my icy hands with the intention of a reassuring shelter. I need it to protect me from this messed up world but no matter how much I try to obliterate these demons they simply won’t perish.  
The clock is slowly ticking away the cold but I’m still empty the dark finally consuming me. 

______ 

I wake up from one of my blaring alarm clocks which were set the night before, I probably slept past two of them but I can’t bother to care. The cold now warm from my blankets overruling the fact that I really have to get up. The suppressing weight once again returns, an uninvited guest who refuses to leave me alone but I force myself up anyway. The cold air prickles my skin as I heave myself off the bed. I sight for what feels like the millionth time however it’s the first one today.

______

Morning, she says with a chirpy tone. I reply the same but simply with just a flat voice.  
People are walking past us bustling with a mix of exhaustion and life, hearing the echo of the constant slamming of doors and lockers is making my head pound. I can’t differentiate if my fuzzy perception is caused by the lack of food or from the shortage of sleep but does it even matter? I feel like shit. 

My friends lead me around the school from one class to another, a constant repeating cycle of walking, sitting, getting up and walking again. The cycle falls to ruins when lunch comes into the picture as we reach the canteen. I awkwardly follow behind with clumsy steps like a loyal little dog as I clung to my water bottle. They stand in the now almost empty queue scoping food which comes in contact with their plates as I follow them with my gaze, most likely looking like a freak unable to move from my position leaning on one of many brick walls. I wonder how many calories it is?  
It’s ridiculous how I overthink by doing absolutely nothing. It would probably be preferable if my body switches position and get some seats for me and my friends. But what should I say to make it sound natural? What if I say it wrong and sound dumb? Would they think I’m dense for not being able to hold up a conversation? What if they can’t find me when I’m holding on to their seats? I’m just so remarkably stupid needing to repeat sentences over and over again before I choose to open my mouth consider that I may spill out nonsense once again, humiliating myself. Still it really isn’t a big deal if they can’t tolerate me. I mean who can I’m pathetic. Although they would tell me if I was a bother judging from my point of view that they are honest. But maybe I’m too gullible, maybe they do hate me, maybe I’m blind or choose to not see their opinions of me. However, I’m really fond of them. They said we are friends, they approached me but why? What criteria should it reach for strangers to later on count as being friend still right now it doesn’t matter because I know I can rely on them to listen when I have a hard time. Yet how do I explain all these thoughts? How do I even start up a conversation? It’s nothing but useless, I mean I’m not even thin, I'm healthy. I look around and everyone is doing worse than me. I should be the one to support my friends, not the other way around. Although I can’t possibly help anyone, just look at me I can’t keep my emotions in check and I can’t control food. I am so utterly useless, it would be better if I just was dead. At least I won’t be a burden, I won’t waste space and for the matter all the precious oxygen that exist in this world. Assuming that I don’t exist I wouldn’t disappoint anyone. I can stop belittling myself for every bad grade, for overeating, for being a bad friend as I can’t support them, to stop bringing my family misery when they wasting money on me, I can stop events for being ruined because I’m not thin enough and I can stop bringing my family shame for being such a total idiot, for all the tears I caused by my overdose. I am a failure, my very existence a disgrace.

______

I climb up the stairs slowly one step at the time until I reach the 10th floor, my floor. My breath heavy as I wheeze rapidly scoping out my keys.

The door closes behind me with a loud thud. No one is here yet, it’s almost eerily quiet. A distant feeling forms in my gut, dissociating me from myself as I blankly staring into space.

I get into motion taking off my shoes and jacket in the process of fitting my feet within my slippers. As usual my feet takes me to the cupboard, I open it with my pale hands the motion already a habit. Seeing the contents fills my mouth with drool from one shelf to another filled with gooey cookies, salty but crunchy chips, instant noodles and chocolate that melts in your mouth just like butter. But once again I resist the temptation heading straight to the fridge taking out the last water bottle as the other containers already been recycled away since last week.

I reach my room putting down my bag as I strip myself off my layers and steps on the scale. The touch cold, the platform adjusted to the temperature of my room. A sight, stepping off and sliding it back under my small one-person leather couch. I chug down the water, the cold liquid sliding down my throat making my teeth cold. I take a glance in the direction of my comfy bed which on top is filled with fluffy pillows and heat-retaining blankets, calling out to me, begging me to lay down but I refuse as my glance shifts.

______

It’s night to be precise 7 pm, the sun long gone. The snow reflecting the mellow night lamps, shining in a soothing way. The cold air embraces me, coming in contact with my skin which gives me shivers. My hands set into motion as I take off my glasses making me unable to see clearly but it’s not as if the focus was stable to begin with. My fingers drag through my thin unruly hair, strands falling off forming a clump. I tuck my hair behind my ear as I look out at the scenery. Once again I dream away.

I’m very blessed to receive such kind friend as I lost the ones I had before. I brought so much sadness which I can never make up for no matter all the countless happy memories. What I can do is only to move on and accept what happened. Maybe I should just forget? 

I take ahold of the railing and haul myself up towards the edge of the balcony settling into a squatting position. The abrupt action makes my head dizzy, feeling like I might faint at any moment. My muscles sore rendering my legs into a wobbly mess but I hold one strongly, my white knuckles appearing lighter than my already pale skin. I look up to the moon which radiates a soft hue, staring for what felt like hours causing me to breathe out. The balanced sensation within me is cast aside, left on the railing behind me. It’s so quiet. 

I jumped.


End file.
